


The Golden Trio and the Inflatable Palace of Lies

by Lamplikeeyes



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Draco Malfoy is Not Amused, F/M, Hogwarts Eighth Year, Lube, M/M, Obstacle course, Post-Second War with Voldemort, Wandless Magic (Harry Potter), inflatables, ridiculous exercises, usual eighth year cast
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:27:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28130148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lamplikeeyes/pseuds/Lamplikeeyes
Summary: When they had been told to prepare for a team building afternoon, this is not at all what the Golden Trio had expected.Bring on one incredibly large inflatable obstacle course, an overly enthusiastic instructor and a cast of teenage war heroes who just want to know which professor needs an intervention for ever thinking this was a good idea.Oh, and several large pools of Wet Wet Wet, which really seem more like Lube Lube Lube if you ask Harry.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley
Comments: 3
Kudos: 49





	The Golden Trio and the Inflatable Palace of Lies

**Author's Note:**

> So, this work of pure madness came to me when a friend gave me the prompt "team building" to work with and literally nothing else.  
> I'm not sure how my brain took that and ran way off into the distance, cackling and turning it into this, but here we are.  
> Please be kind 😂
> 
> For those wondering, this is the course that I based this work on.  
> https://www.mentalfloss.com/article/92291/introducing-beast-839-foot-inflatable-obstacle-course-adults

Harry couldn't help but grimace as he looked up at the giant monstrosity before them. Turning to look at Ron and Hermione, he saw that he wasn't the only one staring at it in disbelief.  
"Um, Hermione, I'm guessing this wasn't in any of those books you read to prepare, was it?" Ron hazarded blankly.  
She scowled at him "No Ron, it was in precisely none of those books. And that is because this is ridiculous. Why would this...thing...be brought into a magical school? I give it five minutes before Pansy Parkinson loses her temper and pops the whole thing with a well placed hex"  
Harry snorted. "Draco won't even get that far. I bet you 5 galleons that he refuses to join in."  
"You're on mate!" Ron enthused and thumped him on the back.  
"Honestly Harry, I would have thought better of you than that! He's your partner, you're meant to support each other, not wager on each others failures!"  
"Yeah, but come on, can you see Draco on that obstacle course of hellish nopes? It's every team for themselves, and its not my fault that he thought Parkinson and Goyle would make better teammates than I would!"  
Hermiones lip twitched in the corners as she considered this "You may have a point" she conceded "Goyle won't even be able to stand up on that thing."  
"That's the spirit!" Ron bellowed, throwing an arm around her as she laughed.

"Okay teams, can I have your attention please! This way everyone!" A young and very enthusiastic looking instructor in a tight black turtleneck and jogging bottoms waved madly at the small crowd of students before him.  
"Hey there 8th years! My name is Rowland and I am four times inflatable beast world champion! Impressive, I know!" He paused for a second, waiting for applause he didn't receive. Harry snorted, reminded somewhat of Gilderoy Lockhart. "Umm, okay! Well, as you can see, here today we have the worlds longest inflatable obstacle course just waiting for you to climb on and have some fun with her!" Ron stifled a snigger and Hermione gave him a small shove to his side.  
"When it comes to your turn, all you have to do is set off from the starting line right here. The first obstacle is the Wall of Spikes! Make your way over the top and slide down the other side before making your way to The Stripey Alley! Here you will need to avoid all of the spikes, leap over the Black Roller and slide under some of the SwishyThings. That will take you through to The Green Zone! Punch your way through the Wacky Waving Men and onto the Big Ol' Roller!" by this point Harry had zoned out completely and found himself looking around his classmates. They all seemed to be varying shades of white-as-a-sheet and green. He couldn't help his grin when his eyes fell on Dracos team. Pansy was scowling and whispering furiously to the girl next to her, making big arm movements and gesturing at her beautifully manicured nails, Goyle was looking off up somewhere towards the castle at a flock of birds and Draco just looked plain murderous. When he looked up and caught Harry's eye, Harry gave him a charming smile and flashed him a thumbs up. Draco replied by raising his middle finger, face blank, and turning away. Excellent, Harry thought.  
"After you've made it valiantly across the Big Red Bouncy Balls it's a nice straight run to the end of the course, through The Rollers and up The Wall to the finishing line! Simple right! Nothing to worry about!" He smiled at them all, almost maniacally, and spread his arms widely "Ah yes! A couple of things! There may be a few surprises along the way and, finally, no wands allowed! Jabbing, poking and sulking with wands can lead to more than a few booboos to our beautiful inflatable palace, so they need to be deposited in your allocated storage bins before we begin! Now, have fun!" He winked, actually winked, and galavanted over to the starting line to do some over the top stretches.  
"God help us all" Hermione muttered and dragged Harry and Ron to their storage area.

By the time the trio were called over for their go, they had already witnessed a massive arguement between a team of Ravenclaws, a bloody nosed Hufflepuff being forced to give up and seek medical attention against her wishes, Blaise Zabini's team of Slytherins, smooth and suave as they were, fall into a puddle of Wet Wet Wet -whatever fresh hell that stuff is- and Neville, Dean and Seamus somehow battle their way to victory, only for Neville to topple off the finishing podium backwards.

"Alrighty then Mr Weasley, time for your team to step up to the starting line!" Harry took a second to smile at Ron's dumbfounded expression at being dubbed the leader of their team before climbing onto the inflatable and stumbling to the start line. Great, so standing up on this thing is hard enough on it's own.  
"Now, remember, you are working as a team! Even if you aren't used to working alongside your teammates, you need to trust them and rely on them here!" The trio all stared at him incredulously. If Hermione raised her eyebrows any further, they would be lost in her fringe.  
"Yeahhh, I don't think that will be a problem somehow" Harry replied. He could hear a few sniggers from his classmates.  
They poised themselves ready for the starting sound, and when a big horn noise filled the air, the three of them leaped forward to climb the Wall of Spikes. It turns out that it was more like a Wall of Bumps that gave them something to grab hold of as they climbed. They made it easily to the top and slid down the other side. What they hadn't counted on was the big pool of Wet Wet Wet that was at the bottom. It splashed spectacularly as the three of them landed -face first in Harry's case- in the pool and covered them head to toe.  
"Urgh, that's gross" Hermione moaned.  
"Huh, turns out Wet Wet Wet is more like Lube Lube Lube" Ron mused quietly, before continuing more loudly "Hey, Harry, you're a lube expert, this is defo lube right? Know how to clean it off?"  
"For Christs sake Ron, just because I'm gay, doesn't make me some sort of lube king. I should leave you like that, festering in your slippery punishment!"  
"Boys, you're wasting time, pull yourselves together!" It turns out Hermione is just as threatening, even coated in slippery goop.  
"Urgh, fine!" Harry waved a hand and wordlessly and wandlessly cast a cleaning spell over them all.  
"Haha, knew it!" Ron laughed delightedly. Harry, slightly pink faced, flipped him a middle finger before saying calmly "Wow Ron, I never knew you enjoyed thinking about mine and Dracos sex life so much, you must really be an ally." Ron's face went pale at that and he stuttered a bit. "Great, okay, you win Harry. I'm scarred for life now."  
"You're welcome mate, now hurry the hell up!"  
They were making good progress, being hindered only by the act of trying to run on an inflatable floor, and by the residual Wet Wet Wet left coating everything that their classmates had touched on their way through. Until they came to a massive tube like barrier across their path. Ron, deciding that they simply had to climb over it, threw himself bodily at the tube, arms and legs wide, before letting out a high pitched scream as it rotated and he ended up being spun downwards into a heap on the floor. Both Harry and Hermione doubled over laughing at Ron who was sprawled on his back like some sort of starfish.  
"Smooth mate" Harry chuckled, offering a hand to pull Ron up.  
"I was just testing it" he replied sheepishly. "Didn't want Hermione to end up hurt..."  
"Sure Ron, that's what happened" Hermione sympathized sarcastically. "So, as Ron established, it rolls this way, and theres also no room to go under it."  
"And we can't go around it" Ron chimed in helpfully.  
Harry turned to him and using his best Snape impression, replied "Obviously".  
"So, what do we do?" Ron continued, ignoring Harry entirely.  
Hermione pondered for a minute before her face lit up. "Got it! Back there we have the big noodley sort of inflatables and some blocks. So let's jam it! Then it won't spin and we can climb over!"  
"Oooh, wait! And if we use the ones with the Wet Wet Wet all over them then I can freeze them in place too!" Harry added excitedly as he half bounced, half ran to grab a couple.  
"Mate, I don't even want to know why you know how to freeze lube"  
"Ron get your head out of the gutter, it's the same bloody spell as when you freeze any other liquid, you idiot! Now shove those down there and stand back." Harry raised his hand and narrowed his eyes as he muttered the incantation several times under his breath, slowly freezing the blocks in place.  
"Perfect!" Hermione exclaimed as she tried, and failed, to wiggle the frozen blocks loose. "That should support our weight as we climb over."  
"Just don't slip on the frozen lube" Ron added, testing it with his foot.  
"Stop calling it that and get a move on Ronald!"  
Ron held his hands up in surrender and hauled himself up the pile of blocks. He vanished over the other side before calling out for the other two to follow.  
It wasn't until all three of them had landed that anything strange happened. Yet as soon as Harry's feet hit the bouncy floor, a seemingly endless stream of foam balls with no clear origin started pelting them.  
"Well, that's a pain in the ass" Ron yelled as one bounced off the side of his head "Don't suppose immobilising them would work?"  
"Even if it would, I doubt any of us would be able to cast powerfully enough to take them all out without our wands" Hermione mused.  
"Let's just run for it" Harry shouted, covering his head with his hands. He set off, weaving his way through a small maze of pillars, making it only about 10 feet before falling on his bum in a puddle of Wet Wet Wet.  
"WHAT EVEN IS MY LIFE RIGHT NOW?! I DID NOT DEFEAT VOLDEMORT FOR THIS." He flailed around for a minute, struggling to get up, before sighing and waving his hand to vanish the puddle.  
"Not. A. Word" he threatened as Ron opened his mouth to, no doubt, make more lube jokes. Harry punched one of the pillars and had to jump out of the way as it bounced back forcefully at him.

Exhausted and sweaty, they rounded the final bend of the course and could see the finishing line gleaming in the distance ahead of them. By now Hermione's hair looked as though it had been electrically charged, Ron was a deep shade of red that clashed awfully with his hair, and Harry was debating removing his shirt and using it to wipe the sweat and grime from his eyes. Before them stood a kind of pool built up around a row of four big red balls. The pool was, of course, full of Wet Wet Wet.  
"Urgh, what sort of fresh hell is this?"  
"Well Ron, I think we need to jump across them all without falling into the Lube Lube Lube" Harry thought that by now he would rather just curl up in a ball and nap, but since that probably wasn't an option, he sidled up to the edge of the pool and peered over the edge. Sure enough, the Wet Wet Wet lapped innocuously at the edge, glinting away merrily.  
"How bouncy do you think they are?" Hermione asked hesitantly, leaning over next to him.  
"Only one way to find out I guess" Harry shrugged in reply.  
"Ladies first eh, 'Mione"  
"Get lost Ron, pretty sure throwing in your girlfriend first is poor form"  
"Fine, but if I fall in, it's your fault!"  
Hermione turned to Harry in exasperation "Do you think he realises how little logic there is in that statement?" Harry just snorted and took a couple of steps back.  
"Screw this, I'm going."  
He bounced on the balls of his feet a couple of times before jumping forward and launching himself at the first ball. His landing threw him high up into the air and he spread himself out to grab at it widely. Great, one down but now what the hell was he meant to do? Gingerly he gathered himself up and repeated the process. It was slow work but he made it eventually. Hermione gracefully followed suit. Ron on the other hand decided on a somewhat different tactic and tried to just run across the four without stopping. This resulted in him being launched off the second, thrown face first into the third and falling with an almighty splash into the slippery pool below. With much spluttering and swearing, he dragged himself like a swamp monster along to the end of the pool and took the hands that the other two were offering to help him clamber out. Harry didn't say anything before waving his hand to rid Ron of the liquid, and to be honest, he wasn't sure he was actually capable of speaking through the amount he was laughing. It actually made his sides hurt. But at least the end was in sight at last. Next they had to crawl under a low hanging Infinite Darkness Net which, as the name suggests, plummeted them into an impenetrable darkness. After groping around for wayyy too long and making little progress, a frustrated Hermione managed to conjure a weak wandless lumos to guide their way to the exit and onto their final task.  
Before them stood a pit of Wet Wet Wet and an incredibly slippery looking steep slope.  
"Is that a lube waterside?..."  
"Well, technically Ron it's a Wet Wet Wet waterslide...that we need to climb up, not slide down. How we do that however, I have no idea. Hermione, any ideas?"  
"Well, Ron could probably give it a running jump like Seamus did, and haul us up. Or maybe we could try transfiguring something? Although, I'm not sure I could do that wandlessly. Harry, you're the best at wandless, what do you think?"  
"Umm, I could probably conjure a rope or something?"  
"Oh my god, yes! Conjure a rope and we can use a strong sticking charm to attach it to the podium at the top of the slope!"  
Harry closed his eyes and focused hard on concentrating his magic through the palm of his hand and into a solid beam in front of him. A strong, strangely vine like rope burst forth from the tips of his fingers and wound it's way up and around the pillar at the top of the steep slope. Hermione quickly raised her right hand as well and cast a charm to ensure it didn't come untied any time soon. Ron whooped in encouragement and tugged on the bottom end, testing the strength. "That's not going anywhere" he confirmed "I think its going to be a case of holding on for dear life."  
He wasn't wrong. Slipping around as his feet tried and failed to keep a grip on the slide, Ron clung tightly and slowly made his way towards the finishing line at the top. Hermione sat down for a minute and spent her time removing her shoes and socks and shrinking them to fit in her pockets. When harry gave her a side on glance, she muttered something about toes and grip and Harry found himself following suit.  
It turns out that, like always, Hermiones idea was smart. Being able to spread their toes wide and balance themselves more steadily made the whole undignified and entirely pointless activity a lot more manageable. Before he knew it, Ron's strong arms were hauling Harry up onto the platform. They counted to three in unison and all slammed a hand down on the buzzer. As soon as they touched it, they vanished into thin air before reappearing on the solid ground with the rest of their classmates. Hermione let out an excited squeal and pulled Ron into a tight hug which he returned with equal enthusiasm. Harry just sighed deeply in relief and led back on the grass to get his breath back. He closed his eyes for a minute and tried to wrap his head around just how bizarre this so called "enrichment" task had been. Never in a million years would he have predicted this type of challenge. Whichever professor had suggested it clearly needed an intervention.  
Harry opened his eyes as a shadow passed over him. The outline of a person leant over him, blocking the sun and he had to squint to take in their fine patrician details.  
"Quite the performance there Potter. Enjoy yourself?"  
"You have no idea. This whole day is ridiculous. This isn't a real thing surely?"  
"I agree. But, you see, I've run into a little problem. Pansy seems to have come over with a terrible illness. Truly awful. Just before our turn as well. And boy, she just feels so bad about it, and would hate for Greg and I to miss out on the fun...so she volunteered you to replace her on our team. Shes very good like that, always thinking of others."  
"Draco, please tell me you're kidding me right now." He clambered to his feet and began walking towards his storage locker to grab a drink. Draco fell into step beside him.  
"Afraid not. What can I say? Shes a glutton for punishment, and honestly, after seeing your first attempt, I can't resist the chance to laugh at you all over again." A grin spread across his pale face and his eyes lit up mischievously. Harry glared back.  
"Malfoy, I love you, but I really really hate you. And I may have to kill you. Or push you into a pool of Lube Lube Lube."  
Draco stopped in his tracks "Wait, a pool of what now?!"  
"Ohh you'll see" Harry called over his shoulder in a sing song voice. "Just remember that you asked for this!"

Draco did see. He saw as soon as Harry kept his word and pushed him backwards into a puddle of gloop. And he was not impressed. He very nearly threatened to tell his father, purely out of spite, as he wriggled around trying to get back to his feet. Harry thought it was more than worth the second round on the Inflatable Palace of Lies.


End file.
